The River
by anim8or
Summary: It's impossible to live with half a soul. (Heronstairs friendship)


Jem had been ready for death for such a long time. Ever since he was a teenager, plagued with that horrible demon's sickness, he'd been ready. In fact, there had been many times that he expected to die - wanted to, even. Of all the years he spent as a Silent Brother, when he wasn't thinking of Will and Tessa, he'd imagine a life after death. He'd wanted it so bad. There had been times when he'd simply stand for days and picture what it might be like to move on - he'd see his parents again, meet Will's deceased sister, Ella, spend time with all the people he had loved and lost in his lifetime.

It was the simple fact that Tessa and Will were both alive still that made him want to stay on this earth. The idea of leaving the place where they were scared him to death. What if they'd need him? What if something happened and they'd find a way to heal him - to bring him back to them?

Not to mention that Will would occasionally just call him up out of the blue, the birth of his and Tessa's children, the one hour he'd spend with Tessa every year... Little things like that would keep him sane - keep him hopeful and give him something else to focus on.

It wasn't until Will's death that Jem really broke inside. Til those miniscule cords that connected them through that faded parabatai rune finally pulled too tight and snapped... he'd never known what true pain was. He didn't know how he managed to keep it together until he left the Institute that night; he hadn't known that Silent Brothers could cry until that point. But that night, he'd cried harder than he ever had in his entire life - the terrible, broken, silent sobs of a shattered soul.

After that, even the thought of Tessa didn't help. He'd just go through the motions - attend a ceremony here, heal a sick Shadowhunter there, and visit Tessa once a year. Time eventually started to blur, and nothing could pull him up out of the endless, dark, quiet ocean that he was slowly drowning in.

Until he met Jace Herondale, and suddenly, that black world he'd lived in for what seemed like an eternity burst into vivid light, and James Carstairs could live again. Not as he used to, of course, because how could he ever be expected to be the same without his other half? Without his _Will_?

Tessa didn't seem to mind how muted he'd become, and being with her healed parts of his broken soul. It helped him reconnect with bits and pieces of his past self. She dragged him across the world, showed him such beautiful places, and helped him see how much the world had really changed. And it was good. It was beautiful. It was great to be with her. But every day wore down on him, and he could never be fully restored.

Tessa loved him anyway, and he was so thankful. It was great to know that he wasn't alone. But even though he loved her desperately, and he couldn't imagine a woman more beautiful and more wonderful than she, he wasn't ever completely happy. He never felt wholly alive, not even when Tessa would kiss him and hold him and reassure him that things were okay.

Nothing was okay, but he could never ask her to try and understand that. The simple fact was that he couldn't live without Will. He could survive without him, yes, but his soul had quite literally been sliced in two. And who could truly live with half a soul?

Certainly not Jem.

Yes, he'd been ready for death for so, so long. So, when his body had aged enough and he felt his bones grow weary, he decided he was ready; all it took to get Tessa to understand how badly he needed to go was a simple, "Please." Though tearful, the woman chose to respect his wishes, and held his hand as he lay in bed, until his eyes finally closed.

And he was happy, because he knew that when he opened them again, he'd find his parabatai waiting on the banks of the great river that divided the living from the dead.

* * *

 _"I've been waiting for you, James."_

It was incredible how one simple sentence, said in that familiar, beloved voice, could breathe life into a soul that had been dead for nearly two hundred years.

 _"I missed you, brother."_

* * *

 **The End T.T Short, but sad and sweet.**

 **Reviews are always appreciated! c: Tell me what you think. Critiques are welcome, too.**

 **God bless you all, and have a wonderful day,**

 **anim8or**


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